please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
