Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
