Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
