K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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