ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
