I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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