So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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