i will never coherently bang her
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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