The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
