i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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