Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
