Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
