He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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