Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
