He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
