Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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