she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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