I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Randomize
