I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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