Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
