I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
All the doctor said was why
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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