So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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