How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I have fence marks all over my body
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
