Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
