He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
