I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
