Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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