This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
