I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
