I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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