Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
