she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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