i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I have surprise drugs for everyone
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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