i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
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