There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
