gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
