when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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