just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize