Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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