Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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