all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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