Can i not drive my cunt home
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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