Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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