If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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