Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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