So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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