You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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