I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
