On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
