They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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