she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
