Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
