i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
