New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize