This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize