I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
