So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
